Yesterday was an unseasonably balmy Saturday – any fellow North Texan will agree that it should be starting to get sweltering by now. I feel a bit guilty enjoying the rain and cool-ish weather, knowing it’s caused by teh Global Warmingz (we should just all agree to call it Climate Change, but whatev) – but what the hell! At least it’s not too hot to garden yet, so I grabbed the day by the balls and did what any self-respecting gardener would do – I installed a new garden bed.
But I kinda didn’t wanna.
Writing the about my ER visit was really therapeutic for me – I was finally able to set down some of my frustrations, and let myself off the hook for my “shortcomings” while I recouperated – so April was starting out on a really good foot.
And then I got a raunchy toothache.
Since I am of the belief that coincidences are really just Life Lessons in disguise, I decided the Universe was either calling my bluff, or trying to reinforce this newfound Self-love and Self-care business. I took the hint, and have been Caring the fuck outta some Self. I increased my water intake, decreased my sugar (sugar not only exacerbates cavity pain, it creates an environment in your body that pretty much just feeds infections of any kind), and ate my Echinacea supplement like it was freakin’ candy. After a week of this regimen, I was finally toothache-free … but still kinda felt like ass.
So, yesterday. I realized that it was that pivotal point in recouperation, where you really don’t have to rest but you still kinda lack the gumption to do anything else. I had a bad case of the Don’t Wanna’s.
Only problem was, instead of telling my Sulky Self, “Hey. Snap out of it”, most of the day I was thinking, “Merciful goddess, it’s been a rough 2 months. I deserve a break. Anyway, being sedentary always exacerbates my chronic pain, so I’m too hurt-y to work. I should just rest a bit more.” Yeah. After a while it started sounding like bullshit to me, too.
So I made a deal with myself. This was a legitimately large project I was going to tackle, and though I knew I needed to get off my butt and get moving, I also knew I needed to be mindful of my healing body’s limits. I vowed to give it just 30 minutes. If after 30 minutes I felt up to continuing, I would. If I needed to go in, I’d find a good stopping place and try again in a few days.
As you can see, I had more Get Up And Go than I thought I did! I had overestimated how long it would all take, so about an hour later, I was the proud owner of an extremely well-mulched new home for my army of seedlings.
I’m crazy-proud of my results (I did that all by my lonesome, thankyouverymuch!) … but I’m also proud of my efforts. I didn’t give in to the fear of my limitations, but I also didn’t ignore my body’s needs just because I was excited to plant ALL THE THINGS.
Sometimes when our Inner Voice is rattling off its list of fears (and usually, at least for me, most resistance has a kernel of fear in it), your Inner Self really just needs to feel Listened To. In resisting this project, I was afraid of pushing myself to the point of relapse – either of my chronic pain, or my very newfound Infection-less state.
Knock on wood, but maybe I’m finally starting that journey of healing I was talking about needing. That’s kind of an encouraging thought.