The power of “Just 30 minutes”

Yesterday was an unseasonably balmy Saturday – any fellow North Texan will agree that it should be starting to get sweltering by now. I feel a bit guilty enjoying the rain and cool-ish weather, knowing it’s caused by teh Global Warmingz (we should just all agree to call it Climate Change, but whatev) – but what the hell! At least it’s not too hot to garden yet, so I  grabbed the day by the balls and did what any self-respecting gardener would do – I installed a new garden bed. 

But I kinda didn’t wanna.

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Behold my mulchy Eden!

Writing the about my ER visit was really therapeutic for me – I was finally able to set down some of my frustrations, and let myself off the hook for my “shortcomings” while I recouperated – so April was starting out on a really good foot.

And then I got a raunchy toothache.

Since I am of the belief that coincidences are really just Life Lessons in disguise, I decided the Universe was either calling my bluff, or trying to reinforce this newfound Self-love and Self-care business. I took the hint, and have been Caring the fuck outta some Self. I increased my water intake, decreased my sugar (sugar not only exacerbates cavity pain, it creates an environment in your body that pretty much just feeds infections of any kind), and ate my Echinacea supplement like it was freakin’ candy. After a week of this regimen, I was finally toothache-free … but still kinda felt like ass.

So, yesterday. I realized that it was that pivotal point in recouperation, where you really don’t have to rest but you still kinda lack the gumption to do anything else. I had a bad case of the Don’t Wanna’s. 

Only problem was, instead of telling my Sulky Self, “Hey. Snap out of it”, most of the day I was thinking, “Merciful goddess, it’s been a rough 2 months. I deserve a break. Anyway, being sedentary always exacerbates my chronic pain, so I’m too hurt-y to work. I should just rest a bit more.” Yeah. After a while it started sounding like bullshit to me, too.

So I made a deal with myself. This was a legitimately large project I was going to tackle, and though I knew I needed to get off my butt and get moving, I also knew I needed to be mindful of my healing body’s limits. I vowed to give it just 30 minutes. If after 30 minutes I felt up to continuing, I would. If I needed to go in, I’d find a good stopping place and try again in a few days. 

As you can see, I had more Get Up And Go than I thought I did! I had overestimated how long it would all take, so about an hour later, I was the proud owner of an extremely well-mulched new home for my army of seedlings.

I’m crazy-proud of my results (I did that all by my lonesome, thankyouverymuch!) … but I’m also proud of my efforts. I didn’t give in to the fear of my limitations, but I also didn’t ignore my body’s needs just because I was excited to plant ALL THE THINGS.

Sometimes when our Inner Voice is rattling off its list of fears (and usually, at least for me, most resistance has a kernel of fear in it), your Inner Self really just needs to feel Listened To. In resisting this project, I was afraid of pushing myself to the point of relapse – either of my chronic pain, or my very newfound Infection-less state. 

Knock on wood, but maybe I’m finally starting that journey of healing I was talking about needing. That’s kind of an encouraging thought.

In which I make some Changes

Hello lovelies! I’ve missed you. March has been a crazy month, and truth be told, I’m excited to put it behind me. Towards the beginning of the month, I had to take a midnight trip to the E.R. to treat what ended up being extreme dehydration due to the Urinary Tract Infection that I didn’t know I had. It was a terrifying experience, because my symptoms made me act like my brain was full of swiss cheese – vertigo, cycles of fever and chills followed by puking my guts up, and (most fun of all) losing the use of my vocabulary. Yup. For a while there we were worried that maybe I was having a stroke or some shit, and I felt like death warmed over.

Thankfully, it wasn’t terribly serious (though seriously frightening), and 3 weeks later I’m happy to report I’ve made a full recovery. All it took was rest, antibiotics, and drinking so much water my eyeballs floated – and here I am, finally starting to do some of the things I enjoy again. But as much as I joke around and say that the invincibility I enjoyed in my 20s has finally gone since I just turned 30 … the fact is, this really did shake me up. 

I think this was the first time I’ve really felt mortal, and that’s saying something. I mean my 20s can be chronicled by What Was I Diagnosed With This Time, not to mention my father’s death. It’s not like I was a stranger to life-altering events. But maybe that’s just it – it always seemed life altering, like I assumed that there would always be more life to have. 

Sorry. I didn’t mean to get melodramatic all over your computer screen. *wipe, wipe* For all of that fear and depression, there has been a lot of affirmation going on as well. For one thing, if this had happened to me 3 years ago, I’d probably still be wallowing – so it’s nice to be reminded of how much I’ve healed and grown as a person. Feeling so vulnerable has made me appreciate how many blessings I really have. And in a way, it’s made me re-evaluate what I’m doing with my life. 

Having to slow my pace to a full-stop was an extremely humbling experience. In the past year, I’ve felt very proud of how much I’ve been able to juggle without breaking a sweat. Pursuing this business has been a dream come true, and I’ve loved feeling like I have a purpose and a passion to follow again. I’ve loved having the chance to be a home maker, to pour love and time into my family and the home we’ve built. But if I’m honest with myself (and I feel I have to be, having just had my very own cosmic Intervention) – I haven’t found a sustainable stride yet. I’ve always known I have a tendency to throw myself into whatever I pursue, but I didn’t really let myself slow down enough to see what kind of physical and emotional toll that’s been taking on me lately. So I’m going to make some changes.

I don’t know what they’ll look like yet. Am I going to scratch something of my list of Shit To Do? Am I going to keep everything, but slow it down? I do know one thing – I need to prioritize my health. It seems like such a cliche, but I guess there’s something to it after all: I really need to put me first. 

So be prepared for some changes in how I run this blog, because I think this can be a great tool for me while I heal. I’ve always tried to model it after some of my favourite professional bloggers, keeping things somewhat impersonal, kitschy, and brief. But if I’m honest, that’s not really my style. Nothing may come of all my effort here – but I’ve started to realize that that’s true no matter what I do. I might as well make a mess of it my way.

The theme of my blog and my shop has always been “celebrating enchanted living”. It’s something I’m passionate about, creating beauty even when everything around you feels kinda crappy. Somewhere along the way I’ve stopped applying it to me though, and it’s about time I fixed that. Wish me luck.